I am a dharma student who experiences intense emotions – what I call "Big Feelings." They arise unpredictably and can blow me off course for an hour, a day, or several days, often creating chaos along the way. For example, during a weekend trip last year with my sangha, Awaken in Toronto, many small interactions that didn’t go quite right created a big reaction within me. I felt slighted and disregarded by the sangha, and toward the end of the weekend I was in tears, publicly. At the time these feelings felt very real and justified, but afterward it was hard to even remember what I had been so upset about.
Even though this pattern has been around for a long time, I didn’t always have insight into it. I first became consciously aware of having Big Feelings through a combination of Vajrayana Buddhist foundation work and psychotherapy. At first, I spent hours trying to figure them out, tracing their roots, and attempting to heal the underlying trauma. Our lineage refers to this deep introspection as “shadow work”: bringing awareness to the hidden or repressed aspects of our conditioning. I became a committed “shadow work warrior”, determined to clean up the mess and bring an end to my suffering.
One day, my teacher Lama Linda suggested that I was too attached to the Big Feelings, and I might progress faster if I stopped focussing so heavily on shadow work. This idea was rather shocking and created a sense of confusion. I was concerned that this would mean ignoring my feelings, which could put me at risk for mistreatment by those around me. Besides, I really didn’t know how else to focus my dharma work.
A few months later, on a three-night personal Insight retreat, I entered into deep communication with the teachers in our lineage. They showed me that I needed to rise above the "muck" of samsara and maintain equanimity in all conditions. Equanimity in all conditions! Don’t you know me? I remember physically lying down on a footbridge, not wanting to accept the teachers’ assignment. Gathering my courage, I agreed that I would at least try, and crossed the bridge in both the literal and metaphorical sense.
As the learnings from the retreat slowly integrated, I began to feel like maintaining stability might somehow be possible. Lama Linda reminded me that all feelings last for only 90 seconds in the body, if we don’t feed them with thoughts. I began practicing in earnest with that concept, and often felt surprised when it worked. I also tried to view the feelings as simple arisings, neither good nor bad. I also reflected on how I could apply this line from the Bodhisattva Prayer, which we often recite: “However innumerable the states of suffering are, I vow to touch them with patience and love”. Over time, these practices created more and more stability. Now, when trauma-related feelings arise, I no longer worry about where they come from and instead just meet them with compassion. They often just fade away.
With the support of the teachers, I have learned to coexist peacefully with Big Feelings. Instead of being continually derailed by inner arisings, I find myself more and more able to rest in one of the four Brahma Viharas: the highly regarded state of equanimity.
May it benefit all beings.
- Sutra
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